Possibly Possitive

This week definately started off extremely bumpy. I made the official decision to stop taking my birth control. It was a tough decision esp after 5 years of being on it... but I felt like it was something I had to try. Maybe that was the problem screwing with my emotions and horomones... maybe i'm just feeling a placebo effect. Either way things are starting to smooth out.
I found things are better when you talk about them. I was bothered by some situations involving friends and I felt very left out and unwanted. I asked some questions, got some answers, and realized that I had taken the situation at hand and thought of the worst explanations possible. It is hard to step outside of the box and try to see things from another point of view... but sometimes that's what you have to do in order to not go crazy. I've learned a lot in the past 2 weeks about coming to my own conclusions about things, every conclusion I had was wrong. As William always says, you don't KNOW, you assume and so you THINK you know... and really you KNOW nothing. That was my latest life lesson.
School is not getting worse... it's not getting better either. I suppose going to class once in a while might help put me on the right track. Tomorrow's a new day... and I hope i'm on time to Psychology in the morning! =]
I need to write down my short and long term goals and try to find some sort of motivation in my life to succeed. That will be my next blog! Tonight I need to finish homework and catch some zzzzzzz's! I have a long day tomorrow!

Late Nights

So it's 1:45am. My first class starts at 9am... my alarm is set for 7. This is my first blog, i'm trying it out as an outlet that a great friend suggested. I have this feeling in my stomach. It's twisting and turning and I want to cry. I feel alone, locked in my room. I call friends to talk but I feel like a nuisance. I feel like nobody understands me and nobody cares. I feel like I keep trying to be happy. I feel like it's a struggle and I have to force it. I feel like i'm standing still and everyone around me is moving a hundred miles an hour and I cant keep up. A childhood friend had tried to reunite with me for 3 years. I refused to be her friend because of past issues and lack of trust that I felt towards her. I decided that people have their times in life and that maybe she really needs a friend. I will never forget our hardships but I decided to forgive her. It's been at least a month, probably 2, i've tried to set lunch dates, invite her to meet my friends and see my house, i've invited her to parties and tried to give her advise on stuff that she is going through that i've expirenced. I've tried to be a good friend. We haven't had lunch once and she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 weeks. It makes me wonder... why would you try for 3 years to mend a friendship and once the friendship is mended you leave it. Maybe this is my karma. Other friends now have boyfriends or kids and no longer share the same interests as me. Guy friends no longer have time for me, and old friends that I thought would ALWAYS understand and make sense in my eyes no longer hold meaning in my life. I have 2 true friends. I charish all the advise they have and the good times we share. However, I want something more. I want a group of girlfriends to go out with on the weekends. I want a guy in my life who genuinely cares about me and loves me for who I am. A guy who makes me feel beautiful and worthy. I honestly feel hollow. Like there is nothing but pain and sorrow. I want it to go away. I feel paranoid and stressed out. I'm scared and there's nobody to talk to. I've thought about going to a therapist but i'm afraid of finding out that there really is something seriously wrong with me. I'm afraid that I will be put on medication, and I dont want that. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to smile. I want to stay interested for more than a day. I want to be motivated. I'm tired of waiting for that big thing that will make me happy. Because i'm starting to think it's never coming. I feel like my depression and feelings are driving people away from me... but I dont know how to stop it. I don't want to die alone and scared. I want to be held at night when I fall asleep by someone who understands and makes it all ok. I want to be loved. I honestly feel like I'm not good enough for that. I don't love myself. I don't love who I am. I don't love my inability to make a decision or have self control. I don't love the mistakes i've made or the people i've hurt along the way. I don't love my bad choices and where they've gotten me. But everybody has this? Bad choices, regrets, and worries. Why do I feel like i'm the only one? Why do I feel like nobody cares? Why do I feel like if I scream at the top of my lungs nobody will hear me. I want to smoke weed and take vicodine. I want a margarita with a smile. I want to explore the world. Sometimes I feel like if someone was in my life who truely loved me, I wouldn't be able to see it. I find something wrong in everyone. I'm scared. I'm soo sooo scared and I dont know what to do. I dont want to go back to work. I hate it there. I hate the people. I hate Ray. I hate Nick. I wish they would leave my life for good and never come back. Every corner I turn - there's Ray. Every phone call or e-mail - Nick. Just get the fuck out of my life and let me forget the biggest mistake i've ever made. You haunt me and I let you. Please help me get away from it all. I don't know who can help me. Who can make all these thoughts go away. I live inside my mind and the memories that flash before my eyes everyday are a reminder of things I want to forget. The images I see are nightmares and they're all real. How can I forget? How can I stop these tears and numb this pain? I just want to be happy. Please tell me how. What do I need to do? I will do ANYTHING. I feel like I just keep going lower and lower no matter how much I try to come up. I want to sleep without dreaming. I want to be satisfied and confident. I want to be full of life. I want to breathe easy. I need a friend. I need someone to tell me it's going to be ok and it will all pass... and I need to believe it. I dont want to be socially awkward. I want to hold my head high and not stare at the ground when I walk. The tears wont stop. I always feel like there's someone watching me. I feel like i'm in danger and I cant stop it. I need some sort of answer. I'm so lost and alone... I need someone to understand. Please just understand, I keep explaining it... over and over and I keep telling you that it wont go away and you try. You try to help and you try to understand and you give me options and things that might help... but you dont UNDERSTAND. You dont get it. You don't know what it feels like on the inside, deep deep down inside. You just look at me and think i've got a great life and i'm being dramatic. You judge me and you think I just want attention. But you don't know. You cant feel this pain like I can. You don't feel this loneliness and fear. You cant FEEL it burning into your soul. You have no clue what I am going through... I want you to feel it. I want you to know so maybe you can help me. I appriciate your efforts but I am still lost. I am still alone. And i'm still crying. I just want you to hold me and tell me it's ok....